My Heart... it's broken.

As some of you know, I’ve struggled with my mother’s illness for a long time.  Well, on January 23^rd, my Mother went home.  I’m not going to say she lost her battle because she actually won.  She made it.  She said “Good morning” to eternity in God’s arms.  We said “Oh GOD!  Not my mom!”

It’s been a little over a month and my heart still feels like a brick suspended in my chest.  I want to laugh, but I cry.  I want to move on, but I’m stuck. 

My mother was a phenomenal woman.  She was the best woman I know.  Her faith in the face of adversity was awesome and inspiring. 

But I’m left with the question.  Who is going to take care of me now?  I’m in my thirties.  I have children.  I have a hubby.  I take care of so many people, but I could always count on my Mother to take care of me.  Now what?

Trust me, I’ve heard all of it.  It’ll get better with time, it gets easier, you won’t hurt forever, your mother wouldn’t want you to be sad, you have to stay strong… But none of that helps me get through my day.  None of that keeps me warm at night when I lay in my bed and cry silently.  It doesn’t keep me from bursting into tears when I pick up the phone to call her and realize that she won’t answer.  Her phone is off.  I’ll never talk to her again AND actually hear her dispense words of wisdom.  It doesn’t help to know that tomorrow I may not think about her as much.  And my mother would definitely not want me to live my life in a sad state, but she’s not here to tell me that. 

And I have faith.  I know that God won’t put more on me than I can bear.  And most of all, I know HIS GRACE is sufficient.  I know that He doesn’t make mistakes.

But It sucks.  Plain and Simple. 

And I miss her.  I’ll always miss her.  My heart… there’s a void.  And it can only be filled by her.  I’ll continue to live my life and remember all the awesome things she taught me.  And I’ll continue to trust God (which was her favorite saying). 

I’ll always love my Momma.  She IS my favorite girl.  RIParadise Mom.  Love you!

Author Spotlight: Christine Hughes

One of the best things about writing and publishing a novel was meeting different authors.  It's my pleasure to feature Christine Hughes.  Her debut novel, TORN, is setting the publishing world on fire, earning an honorable mention at the Hollywood Book Festival.  Now, Christine is preparing to release her second novel, Three Days of Rain.  And I, for one, can't wait to see what else Christine has up her sleeves. 

Thanks for stopping by Christine...

Hi all! I’d like to thank Leslie for allowing me some time on her blog. She and I are publishing sisters through Black Opal Books. My first novel, TORN, was released last June and I am so happy with the way it has been received. My second novel, Three Days of Rain, is due out this Saturday January 5, 2013. What a way to ring in the New Year, right? The thing is, I am a bit nervous. More nervous than when I published my first novel. You see, TORN was a YA paranormal. Three Days of Rain is Women’s Fiction. The nerves come from a place of love, though. I love how my readers embraced my paranormal angst and following my teens through the trials and tribulations of saving the world from devils and demons. What makes me a bit anxious is that Three Days of Rain is NOTHING like TORN. There are no paranormal creatures, no otherworldly wars or fights. It’s a story of love, of loss, of redemption. Will my readers follow me here? Will they be willing to use up a box of tissues to dry their tears? In an age of self-publishing, small press publishing and every-author-for-himself, I wonder if changing up genres will help me achieve my goals.

I feel comfortable with Three Days of Rain. As a matter or fact, I think it’s a better story than TORN. Don’t get me wrong, TORN is and always will be my first baby but Three Days of Rain – well, it was a bitch to write. I felt every emotion I poured into my main character, Jake. I felt every betrayal Madison threw at him. I melted, just a little, when Lily finally showed him how to break down his walls. I cried writing the book, I cried editing the book – through ever last editorial step, I cried. Always at the same fork in the road. I hope that readers will embrace this novel. I was exhausted when I finished writing it. Mentally and emotionally drained. It hurt to close the door on Jake’s story. It hurt not to end his journey with a tidy happily-ever-after. I think, though, I needed to write this story. I needed to purge something from my soul. I needed to show the world I was capable of not necessarily following market trends.

Three Days of Rain is everything I could want it to be. Three Days of Rain is funny, sad, frustrating, and uplifting. Jake’s journey is just that, a journey. I hope that readers will embrace it for what it is. A story about a broken man who, despite obstacles and curve-balls, learns how to live again.

Blurb:

Just when he thought his life was turning around...

Things haven’t been easy for Jacob Morgan. Persecuted by the ghosts of his past, Jake lives each day just going through the motions, barely getting by. Then Lily Burns comes to town and befriends him. As Jake starts to heal, he begins to hope that he has finally overcome the mistakes and tragedies that have tormented him for so long. But just when he thinks his problems are solved, his past comes back to haunt him, and once again, Jake is confronted by situations he is ill-equipped to handle. Can Jake hold on to the progress he has made, or will the lies, guilt, and secrets he’s tried to ignore shove him back into an abyss from which there is no escape?

Find Christine at...

Christine-Hughes.com
Facebook - Christine Hughes, Author
Twitter - HughesWriter

The Truth is...

Guess I'll just get right to it.  Before I do, I want to congratulate June for winning the $5 Gift Card in the Howloween BlogHop.  Thanks to those who commented. 

The truth is...

...Almost three years ago, my mother was diagnosed with cancer.  I can still remember the exact thing I was doing when we got the news.  She had driven herself to the hospital and called me at work to tell me that she thought she had pnemonia.  I left work to be with her.  The next day, after the doctors extracted almost 2 liters of fluid from her lungs and tested the fluid, we received the horrifying news.  Then the doctors gave us a one to two year prognosis.

...I tried, in spite of everything, to keep it together.  Even now, almost three years later, I'm still trying.

...My book was published.  And my mom got the chance to read it.  She actually read my words in paperback.  She bragged about me to her friends, she showed up for everything I did to celebrate this achievement.

...At the end of summer, my mother was told that the cancer had travelled to her brain.  My mother was an educator for over 30 years.  She valued education above all else.  She was blessed to do what she loved until she retired.  Such a blessing.  And I still tried to keep it together.

...Last month, the doctors gave us the grim news that 'they'd done all they could do'.  I dreaded the day those words would come.  As a planner, it's really hard for me not to have a plan.  And so I tried to keep it together.

...I have faith.  Strong faith in God.  I know that God wouldn't put more on me than I can bear.  I know God does not make mistakes.  And I know this because my mother raised me.  And she has this strong faith...this out the box faith.  And I'm trying but...

...I go to work.  I take care of my children.  I still try to put a smile on my face when I'm talking to my friends/family.  I still try to encourage others. 

But the truth is...I feel like a mess.  My mind is hazy, my body won't move, my thoughts run a mile a minute.  I can't write, I can't read.  Some days the only thing I can muster up the energy to do is play Phase 10 against the computer, do word searches, hit 'like' on every comment I see on Facebook, or watch TV...and pray.  This is my mother.  BUT I'm still trying because I have no other choice.  I'm still pushing because that's what I'm supposed to do. That's what my mother still does every morning, and she won't stop.  So I can't stop.  I suppose I'll be able to read a whole book one day soon.. or get 5,000 words on paper... or update this blog more than once a month.  Maybe I'll even finish that work in progress.  One day.    That's my truth. 

Congrats to June on winning the $5 Amazon Gift Card!