Guess I'll just get right to it. Before I do, I want to congratulate June for winning the $5 Gift Card in the Howloween BlogHop. Thanks to those who commented.
The truth is...
...Almost three years ago, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I can still remember the exact thing I was doing when we got the news. She had driven herself to the hospital and called me at work to tell me that she thought she had pnemonia. I left work to be with her. The next day, after the doctors extracted almost 2 liters of fluid from her lungs and tested the fluid, we received the horrifying news. Then the doctors gave us a one to two year prognosis.
...I tried, in spite of everything, to keep it together. Even now, almost three years later, I'm still trying.
...My book was published. And my mom got the chance to read it. She actually read my words in paperback. She bragged about me to her friends, she showed up for everything I did to celebrate this achievement.
...At the end of summer, my mother was told that the cancer had travelled to her brain. My mother was an educator for over 30 years. She valued education above all else. She was blessed to do what she loved until she retired. Such a blessing. And I still tried to keep it together.
...Last month, the doctors gave us the grim news that 'they'd done all they could do'. I dreaded the day those words would come. As a planner, it's really hard for me not to have a plan. And so I tried to keep it together.
...I have faith. Strong faith in God. I know that God wouldn't put more on me than I can bear. I know God does not make mistakes. And I know this because my mother raised me. And she has this strong faith...this out the box faith. And I'm trying but...
...I go to work. I take care of my children. I still try to put a smile on my face when I'm talking to my friends/family. I still try to encourage others.
But the truth is...I feel like a mess. My mind is hazy, my body won't move, my thoughts run a mile a minute. I can't write, I can't read. Some days the only thing I can muster up the energy to do is play Phase 10 against the computer, do word searches, hit 'like' on every comment I see on Facebook, or watch TV...and pray. This is my mother. BUT I'm still trying because I have no other choice. I'm still pushing because that's what I'm supposed to do. That's what my mother still does every morning, and she won't stop. So I can't stop. I suppose I'll be able to read a whole book one day soon.. or get 5,000 words on paper... or update this blog more than once a month. Maybe I'll even finish that work in progress. One day. That's my truth.
Congrats to June on winning the $5 Amazon Gift Card!
Leslie, it does get better. Hard to believe right now, but it does. And you have SO MUCH on your side: a strong heritage from your mother, a supportive family, and love everywhere. Give yourself a break.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mona! And you're right... I do have a strong support system. I won't give up... I'll keep pushing. Just had to get it out, ya know?
DeleteOh Leslie, I feel your pain. But what your mom doesn't need right now are your tears. She wants you to be brave for her too. However long or short time you have together, make the best of it, because what else is there?
ReplyDeleteThanks Zrinka.. No tears for me. I make it a point to spend as much time with her as possible. It's just when I'm alone and away from her and my children that I fall into this...
DeleteI am so sorry for the struggles your mother, you, and the rest of your family are going through. Sending prayers & well wishes.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the GC.
Thanks June! I appreciate it.
DeleteIt sounds like writing this blog was a bit of therapy for you. I hope you feel better for writing it. Your mom is proud of you and your writing, so you should write. When I was going through the same thing with my dad, I sat at the hospital, he slept, I wrote. He was glad I was there and glad I was writing. It doesn't matter what you write - write how much cancer sucks and how angry it makes you and everyone going through it - but write. It will help.
ReplyDeleteYou're strong, loving, and supportive and your mom is lucky to have you as a daughter. HUGS!
Thanks Debbie! I'm trying to get back in the swing of things. But you're right... this post did help. It was therapeutic in such a way that I couldn't fall asleep until I finished it. And I do feel better today.
DeleteThis post brought tears to my eyes. You and I have "chatted" a little about what's been going on with you and I've been sending you prayers. You are in my thoughts. And I know God's strength will help you through. xoxo
ReplyDeleteChristine
Thanks so much Christine! I so appreciate you!
DeleteLeslie...I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks Liv! I'm a firm believer that prayer does change things!
DeleteYour post brought me to tears. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. We are going through the same thing with my Mother right now. It is hard to watch them fade out of your life. Know that we are here for you, even if you just need to chat.
ReplyDeleteLynda
Lynda, thanks so much. I didn't know you were going through the same thing! I'm definitely going to be praying for you and your family. And I'm here for you, as well, if you want to chat!
DeleteLeslie, I'm so sorry to hear that about your mother and how hard it is to cope with it all. There was a time, some ten years ago, when my mom got seriously ill and no one knew what it was that gave her so much pain. I wondered everyday if she'd come out of it, alive. But she did and I'm thankful for every day I can spend with her. I wish you and your mom many more days together. Happy days, filled with laughter and surprises.
ReplyDeleteBut I also know how close you feel to God, so let me tell you one thing. If it's time, and she moves on from this world into the next...she'll be in good hands. In the best!
Take care of you and yours!
Piper
Thanks so much! And you're right... she'll definitely be in the best place!
DeleteLeslie, I can't even imagine what it's like to have a definite 'we've done all we can' from doctors, so being a mess isn't out of place. Spend as much time with your mum as you possibly can. Let her enjoy her grand kids as much as she can. God bless you and yours
ReplyDeleteThanks Empi! I appreciate it!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteLeslie, your words touched my heart, I feel your pain. But at least your mom got to celebrate the joy of your first book being published. My prayers are with you and your family.
ReplyDeletePS: sorry about the delete, seems I can't spell.
Hi Georgia! Thanks so much! And it was so nice that she was able to be here AND read my first book!
Delete