Friday, March 15, 2013

My Heart... it's broken.

As some of you know, I’ve struggled with my mother’s illness for a long time.  Well, on January 23rd, my Mother went home.  I’m not going to say she lost her battle because she actually won.  She made it.  She said “Good morning” to eternity in God’s arms.  We said “Oh GOD!  Not my mom!”

It’s been a little over a month and my heart still feels like a brick suspended in my chest.  I want to laugh, but I cry.  I want to move on, but I’m stuck. 
My mother was a phenomenal woman.  She was the best woman I know.  Her faith in the face of adversity was awesome and inspiring. 
But I’m left with the question.  Who is going to take care of me now?  I’m in my thirties.  I have children.  I have a hubby.  I take care of so many people, but I could always count on my Mother to take care of me.  Now what?
Trust me, I’ve heard all of it.  It’ll get better with time, it gets easier, you won’t hurt forever, your mother wouldn’t want you to be sad, you have to stay strong… But none of that helps me get through my day.  None of that keeps me warm at night when I lay in my bed and cry silently.  It doesn’t keep me from bursting into tears when I pick up the phone to call her and realize that she won’t answer.  Her phone is off.  I’ll never talk to her again AND actually hear her dispense words of wisdom.  It doesn’t help to know that tomorrow I may not think about her as much.  And my mother would definitely not want me to live my life in a sad state, but she’s not here to tell me that. 
And I have faith.  I know that God won’t put more on me than I can bear.  And most of all, I know HIS GRACE is sufficient.  I know that He doesn’t make mistakes.
But It sucks.  Plain and Simple. 
And I miss her.  I’ll always miss her.  My heart… there’s a void.  And it can only be filled by her.  I’ll continue to live my life and remember all the awesome things she taught me.  And I’ll continue to trust God (which was her favorite saying). 


I’ll always love my Momma.  She IS my favorite girl.  RIParadise Mom.  Love you!

10 comments:

  1. Leslie,
    Your post brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine being in your shoes. Your mom IS in paradise now, still taking care of you. I hope some of your pain will ease for you.

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    1. Thanks Christine! I cried too while writing it.

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  2. Love you and praying for you and Uncle Lee always!

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    1. Love you too, Kim! Thanks for everything!

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  3. You are doing what you need to do. Grieve, love, and remember. My prayers are with you.

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  4. I know how you feel, both my parents are gone and I'm an only child, so even though I have a wonderful husband, kids and a huge Italian family, it's a different kind of being alone. The two people that were there for me since the beginning are gone.

    It'll be a year this May that my dad passed and when I think to March of last year and how he suffered, I'm okay with him being gone. I miss him but he is so much happier now and that makes me happy.

    You're strong and I do believe you'll get there when you're ready. One of my favorite quotes from Tuesdays with Morrie is, "Death ends a life, not a relationship." Your mom is still with you and always will be.

    Good luck and lots of hugs,

    Debbie

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    1. Aww... thanks Debbie. And you're right. She will always be with me. And she did suffer, so I'm grateful she's not suffering any longer.

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  5. Amazing post and loving tribute to your Mother. I lost mine on January 8th and I know exactly how you feel, it does suck. But with your faith and your strength you will get through each day and Debbie is right. She is still here, in your thoughts and your heart.
    Great post and thanks for sharing.
    Lynda

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